'I felt jealous of mums who still had their mothers'

A North Yorkshire mum has set up a support group for mums whose own mothers have died.

Louise Kirby-Jones, 33, from Malton is co-founder of the network Motherless Mothers alongside psychotherapist Adina Belloli.

Ms Kirby-Jones set up the group after her son was born and she found raising him without the support of her own mother brought up unexpected challenges.

Six weeks after having her son, she wrote on a Facebook forum asking other women if they knew of support for mothers who didn't have their own mums around and Ms Belloli replied.

"Adina was the light that responded to my desperate message," she says.

"We instantly got on. Adina's story is really different to mine. Her mother was killed in an accident by a drunk driver when she was six months old so Adina never knew her mum, so we've come at this from very different perspectives."

Ms Kirby-Jones' mother Angela Kirby died in June 2012 after routine heart surgery.

"The surgery that was supposed to save her didn't, so she came through the surgery and she took a dip and didn't make it," she says.

"I was 20, sort of on the cusp of adulthood but I didn't have the independence that a lot of adults have. I didn't have my own finances or home or a car.

"I was still quite childlike and definitely quite childlike in my position in the family.

"It was like being on a ghost train that just didn't stop. But I do remember this sense of wanting to keep things as normal as possible.

"If I crashed and burned at 20, I didn't feel there was very much hope so I did try and keep up appearances."

Her father died just 11 months later from cancer.

"His health deteriorated and it was difficult to tell if it was grief or something quite a lot more serious medically.

"The ghost train it just kept going and it didn't stop."

When she became pregnant about 10 years later, her two elder sisters warned her that it would be a challenging time. And she very quickly felt a "gap".

She says: "Expecting a baby was one of the most joyous things of my life and I was so excited to become a mum, but I knew what lay ahead of me in terms of the tough stuff.

"I knew to expect this onset of emotions that was going to come through hormonal changes but I was also preparing to come to a time of life where people do naturally become closer to their in-laws or parents because that help is so needed.

"I felt it early on. I felt a gap. I felt different. I felt extremely jealous of other women who had what I so desperately wanted."

Motherless Mothers is intended to help fill that gap – whether mums are grieving their mothers or estranged from them.

"We are a community of mothers who are mothering without the love and support and care of our own mothers," says Ms Kirby-Jones.

"Some women are motherless by death, but some women are motherless by circumstances such as illness, mothers who have dementia or are disabled and so they're not able to have those relationships with their mums that they would have liked to have had.

"There's also motherless by choice because some women need to step away from that relationship they have with their mother because it's not safe or healthy for them.

"They all need to be empowered and that's what we're here to do."

The community group provides resources such as articles, guides, book recommendations and self-care tools.

It is also planning to do advocacy work in the future – creating public awareness campaigns of the challenges motherless mothers face, training healthcare professionals and advocating for change in government and the NHS.

Ms Kirby-Jones says she thinks her mum would be proud of this work.

"I know she would be devastated that her death had such a profound impact on us, but that's because we loved her so much.

"She would be thrilled that from something so awful we are turning it into something really powerful.

"We always say she was like Princess Diana, she was very mild and calm in temperament.

"Everyone's mums are special in some ways. I do feel my mum was very special. But I probably now only appreciate quite how special she was now that she's not here. Calm, gentle but secretly very strong."

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